In a New York state of mind

The decision has been made. Come mid-November I will be making the move to the mecca of theatre, New York City!! It just feels right at this point in my life. I'm only 25, not married, and willing to work my ass off and live on ramen noodles. What more of a sign does a gal need?! While I had been leaning  towards this decision for a while it wasn't a definite thing until my best friend said she was coming along too. Even though I have a ton of friends there at the moment it just feels better knowing that I'm not going alone.
Is it still a little scary? Oh heck yes. But I'm really excited for the challenge. I've never even visited there so I don't have a clue if I'm even going to like it or not, though everyone tells me I will. My mom is slowly coming to terms with the idea but I think she acts more okay than she really is to show her support. The rest of my family is doing the same. I think they've come to realize that I'm going to do what I have to do regardless, and this is something that I really feel that I need to do.
I don't want to wake up one morning, be 45, and realize that I never even gave it a shot. The way I see it, even if I'm over the whole thing in a week, I can at least say that I tried. I took the leap. And what a leap it will be.
The idea of the high rent and general cost of living on top of my school loans is the thing that gives me the most anxiety. I'm so nervous that I'll get there and even 2 jobs won't be enough to keep my afloat. The last thing I want to do is fall back into debt and have to move back home to dig myself out. It was humiliating and disappointing enough 2 years ago.
So that's that! It's official! And I couldn't be more thrilled. The closer I get to November and the more I say it out loud the more tangible it seems. I'm really doing this. Come hell or high water (NOT an Isaac reference) and I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

last love

I had the pleasure of going out to lunch today with my ex, from high school. We broke up before going to college but have remained friends and try to get together at least once when we're in the same place. It's always nice to be able to catch up with each other.

He picked me up from work and as we were driving to the restaurant I couldn't help but have a thought. We were together for almost 2 years. We had been in this very position so many times. He in the driver seat; me in the passenger. It was familiar still, after all these years. But when I looked at him, really looked at him, I couldn't remember how it used to feel to be with him. I used to love this person for years of my life and now I have no idea what that felt like. He was my last love.
 
When I was young, and in love, I thought I would remember it forever. Every moment, every emotion, every detail. I was wrong. I thought there would definitely be some feelings of remembering, if I really thought about it. But there weren't.

I'm not sad or upset by this. I guess I'm just surprised. It was an unexpected absence. I don't remember what it's like to be in love with someone. And maybe that's okay. I can't help but feel like being in love in high school is worlds different from an adult love. But at the end of the day, it's still love. An adoration for someone. An intimacy.

And I can't help but wonder if I'll know it the next time it does come around. Will I recognize the feeling? If I don't will I miss it altogether? I hope not. Because I think that's something I want to have in the near future. Even if it hurts or doesn't work out in the end.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw:

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."