cry baby

It seems like over the last couple months I have been the biggest crier I know!! It's so strange! Sure I cry now and then, usually in a private place. Like a downpour almost. I'd have one big super cry and then be fine for months. No big deal. But like I said, over the last couple months I find myself getting teary over all sorts of things! Last weeks episode of Glee have me sniffling away. Last night I watched the move "Imagine", which is a documentary about John Lennon for those of you who don't know (great movie), and was a teary fool. Last weekend a chef friend of my told me that he's been invited to serve a dinner at the James Beard house...huge tears rolled down my cheeks...of joy of course. I don't know what's come over me.

It all seems to have started after a saddening situation happened. I cried for a few days. Not minutes, days. It was odd. Now ever since then I find myself getting jerked up a few times a week. When I told me sister about it she said "well you're growing up and changing". Is this really what happens?? You turn 25 and the faucet gets turned on? I don't remember signing up for that.

Another part of me can't help but feel that instead of it being a "grown up" thing, maybe it's more of a "opening up" thing. Maybe I've come to a place in my life where I'm allowing myself to feel more emotions and react more openly to things, whether they're good or bad. And I think that's an okay thing. Maybe I've been more emotionless than I knew all these years. Who knows.

unsaid

So much of what we live goes on inside–

The diaries of grief, the tongue-tied aches

Of unacknowledged love are no less real
For having passed unsaid. What we conceal
Is always more than what we dare confide.
Think of the letters that we write our dead.

-Dana Gioia

big changes?

I made the decision a few months ago that I will be moving away in the fall sometime. I've been living at home for 2 years now and I can't help but feel like it's time to move on and get to doing something with my degree again and this area just isn't the place to do that. While there are some theatre opportunities here there isn't anything that could be full time or enough to really sustain me. It was a tough decision but I think it will be for the best.

So, for the past couple months I've also been applying at theatres all over the country.  At this stage in the game I don't really have anything tying to down to one certain place so I'm ready to go anywhere. Needless to say I was very excited about receiving an email to set up a phone interview with a theatre in Washington DC a couple weeks ago. The interview came and went and as far as I could tell it went well. Apparently it didn't matter either way though because I never heard back from them and it's been 2 weeks now.

I was so excited to even have a theatre be interested and I couldn't help but feel like it was a sign that I was doing the right thing. Now that I've been ignored all together I can only think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe this decision isn't the right one. Maybe I'm supposed to stay here. But that idea really does sadden me. Not because I really hate living here, more because I have this underlying feeling that there are many other places for me to be before I settle down here, if I ever do. I'm 25. I'm not married. I don't have children. Why shouldn't I get up and go, see new things, meet new people?

So now I'm always contemplating. Was this the right choice? If I go through with it will I fall flat on my ass and have to move back again? Is this place supposed to be my home for the rest of my life? If it is, what the heck am I supposed to do with myself?? I chose to get a degree in something I love and want to do as a career...was that a mistake?

I'm ready for a big change, but is that what life wants for me too?

let's be honest

Here's a subject that I've been thinking about lately....Baby Talk.

I think people, girls in particular, have forgotten how to use baby talk in it's proper form. It's simple really. The name says it all. BABY talk. If you aren't a BABY you shouldn't be talking like one! Like I said, simple.

Nothing drives me more insane that hearing a grown woman talking like a babbling idiot because she thinks it's cute to do so. It's not cute. You sound like an idiot. I guess it's one thing if you're actually talking to a baby, but even that's a stretch for me. When I talk to babies I imagine them feeling insulted if I try to talk like a baby at them. And how else will they learn how to speak correctly themselves??

I've found that there is one place in particular where the usage of such talking is above and beyond annoying...the workplace. It's like SERIOUSLY?? You're gonna be in a position of authority over me, expect me to respect you, and all the while talk to me like you just learned how to speak? If that's the case I'm going to assume that you just learned how to wipe your own butt too. It's just unacceptable.

Don't get me wrong, I know some people have speech impediments or do it goofing around now and then. But if you're going to go through your life saying things like "otay", "sowwy", and "pwease" on a regular basis you better not expect much from me other than some pretty nasty looks. You sound like a child so I'm going to go ahead and treat you as such. Plain and simple.

NOT sexy

And to the men of the world....do I even need to go there??  Come on.


Let's be honest, people who go about their lives speaking like this act like children and those that respond to it are as well. It's time to grow up, put on your big girl pants, and speak like an adult. Not a 2 year old.

the view from here

Miss Mikenna looking like Cindy Loo Who

My whale wellies

Words of wisdom with my morning tea

Tulip in bloom

Favorite Things

Time for some of my faves! I've decided to not do these posts once a week so I can have a better list for yous! So here it goes!

• INSTAGRAM!!!! I was so elated when I found out that I could finally have this app for my droid! My life is so full of square, vintage looking photos and I'm loving it! find miss_trostle if you'd like in on the fun! :)
•  In my recent attempts to be a healthy me I found this glorious website from a facebook friend of mine! It's called MyFitnessPal and it's a free food and fitness tracker! It's been super helpful as far as trying to control my eating habits and particularly how much I eat.
• The Avengers!!! Good lord....I can't even get into how great this movie is. I saw it twice last weekend...let that say enough. obsessed.
• warm weather! I think it's here to stay finally and I'm loving it. For real.
• Mixing and matching bright, bold colors. I bought a pair of turquoise jeans a couple weeks ago and I've loved exploring different looks with them. 
• gearing up for my summer job and all the craziness that comes along with it. As stressful as it always gets, I always enjoy it somehow. 
• Tuesdays: I love the tradition of taking Mikenna to pre-school during the day and at night getting to watch my fave shows (Glee and New Girl) with my bestest pals.
• watching movies on vhs! need I say more? 
• drinking water. ok, so maybe the actual action isn't my fave but seeing the results has been pretty great. My skin feels better and it just feels good to know that I'm getting as much as I should.

goodbye dreams

Last night I went to a viewing for a woman who I had worked with at my summer job for 3 years, Mickey. It wasn't until my second summer that I really got onto her radar and unfortunately it wasn't in a good way. I wasn't the best employee, I'll admit it, and I gave her reason enough to get on my back more than once. Last year I was given the chance to make up for it and by the end of the summer Mickey and I were actually quite friendly and worked really well together. I proved to her that I wasn't a total waste of time and she trusted me with some pretty important events. We had come to a really great place. 

You can imagine my surprise and sadness when I found out that she had passed and last night was not an easy thing to go through. It was hard to realize that she wouldn't be around anymore and as I stood with my other co-workers we shared stories from our time with her and gave plenty of hugs.

This morning when I woke up it took a couple minutes but all of a sudden I remembered a dream I had last night, a very rare occurrence for me. I was at some kind of gathering and Mickey was there too. At one point we had moment to ourselves and we shared a very warm hug. She went on to tell me about how happy she had become over the last year or so and we walked back towards the gathering with an arm around each other. And that's all. It gave me such a feeling of comfort and relief.

Thinking back this isn't the first dream I've had like this. About 4 years ago I lost a dear friend in a car accident. It brings me to tears to this day. About a year ago I had a dream one night that we were together and shared a hug that felt so real and warm that I woke up thinking it had really happened. But instead of making me feel sad it gave me such joy to have that feeling again. I've missed being able to hug him so having the vivid of a dream about it was so wonderful.

I don't think these dreams make me some kind of medium or anything. I will say though that they happen to come along just at the right time and I can't help but feel like they are my chance to say goodbye to someone who I didn't get to in person. And that's pretty priceless.