Settle

: to move to a place and make it your home

: to become fixed, resolved, or established

: to be content with


This word has been popping in my head a lot. Mostly in terms of my life lately and how it seems to pertain to more than one aspect of it. There seems to be a good deal of non-settling that has lead to other ways of settling. So settle in and hear me out.

In college I slid down the slippery slope of settling (5 points for alliteration!). I dated the wrong fellas and invested in maybe not the best friends. Finally, in my 26th year I'm feeling really clear from all that settling smog. I won't settle for a jerk just because he's cute or shows me a little attention. Deep down if he's a jerk, he's a jerk, and ain't nobody got time for that! I'm feeling really great about the friends I have. They're swell and I love them dearly and we've invested in each other.

Now you might be thinking to yourself "well good for you Sarah....but what's the malfunction"? Oh it's a great thing indeed, except for one simple fact. In my new found non-settling, I seemed to have back-lashed in the total opposite direction too. I've settled into a life of staying home, watching DVR'd television, knitting, and not spending time with my wonderful friends or meeting fellas to even determine whether they're jerks or not. I've settled into being a hermit. You know I've lived in NYC for a little over a year now and I haven't been on 1 date. Not 1. And I can't even sit here and blame the men of the world for that. How could a man ask me out when we don't even meet due to the fact that I've Rapunzel'd myself in my 5th story apartment?? 

I settled in NYC, am finally feeling settled in this place and the people in my life, and somehow settled on just that. Nothing more. It's a real problem.

So, as they say, admitting the problem is the first step. Right? Right. I can only assume that taking action is the next step then. So that's what I'm resolving to do. Time to remain settled in some things and shake things up in others. Find the balance. (I did some yoga last night for the first time in longer than I'd like to admit....so much balance to find) This city is overflowing with great things to do and stellar people to do them with and now that I've been here for a year I have no excuse not to take full advantage. 

Here's to an unsettled settling!! Does the word settle sound and look as odd to you as it does to me now?

a holding pattern

I'm in one. And I don't really mind being in one. And that worries me a little.

I do the same thing every day. I wake up and knit. I go to work. I come home and knit. I go to bed.
NYC is expensive and Christmas is coming so it doesn't really bother me that this is my habit lately. That being said I do feel a small restlessness inside.

I miss my sewing machine. Some days I think about how great it would be to spend a whole day sewing. I have quilts I'd love to finish, projects I'd like to make but I have to keep telling myself "Apartment #2. Apartment #2 will be bigger. Apartment #2 will have room for my sewing machine". I can only hope it's true.

I think about college times a lot lately. How carefree life was and how much fun I had. My biggest worry (other than classes of course) was trying to find a parking spot near my dorm. I was surrounded by a great group of friends, I was involved in things that were really fulfilling, and I lived in St Pete! It was wonderful. Maybe I used up all my fun in college and now in my late-ish 20s I'm paying my dues for it. I'm certainly paying the loans for it.

There's a hole in my heart that only the theatre can fill. It's coming up on a year since I moved to the city and I know it's about time I start really pursuing my career again. No more excuses. No more "I just need to get through X,Y,Z". The time is now; even if I have to hold 2 jobs and volunteer as an usher. I've done it before and I'll do it again if it means getting my foot in the door. I need theatre.

I don't spend enough time here. I look at how many posts I've written in years past and I can't believe how much they've tapered off. I love having this blog! I love being inspired by other blogs! It's such a wonderful online community. Just the other day I was riding the subway and I recognized a woman as she got on. It was Cara from Maskcara! I couldn't believe that of all the subways, here she was on mine. She lives in Utah for crying out loud! I mustered up the courage to say hello and she was amazingly friendly of course. For a blogger it's celebrity status when you see the person who's words you read on a regular basis. It was awesome to say the least.

It's become clear to me that I'm not the best at staying in touch with the people I care about. I talk to my immediate family on a regular basis but I have some really wonderful people in my life that I don't talk to nearly as often as I should. And that makes me feel like a real shmuck. What kind of friend can I expect others to be to me if I don't put some effort in on my end too? Distance is no excuse in these times. With facebook, skype, and even a good ol' fashion telephone there's no reason to not stay in touch better. It's shameful really.

I didn't mean for this post to get so down! I'm not depressed or anything, just introspective lately, and maybe that's the silver lining of this holding pattern. It's giving me the time to step back and evaluate the things that I want to change so when the pattern has run its course maybe just maybe I'll be a better me.

Does this mean I'm an adult or something?? Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

public displays of knitting

I've become that lady. You know, the lady who sits on the subway and knits. Yup. It was really only a matter of time. I mean, what better way to occupy my commute to work than by being productive too! It's the best of all worlds.

That being said, I'll never be a normal subway rider again. I've been jaded by my multitasking. I find myself getting really irritated whenever I ride the subway and there isn't a spot to sit and knit. "That's a whole 25 minutes of great knitting time that I am cheated of! Do you know how many rows I can get done in 25 minutes????" I find myself thinking. It's bad. When I get ready for a night on the town I look back and forth from my tiny purse to my knitting, rationalizing whether or not I would be able to fit my knitting inside said tiny purse and God forbid something happens to my knitting while I'm at the bar but damn I could get so much done on the 35 minute subway ride there. I may have a problem.

The other part of knitting out in the open are the looks. When I was college, taking theatre classes, we did an exercise where everyone would choose someone else in the class to look at until they could feel it. It's an odd thing but it works. We've all been there. You're going about a task when all of a sudden you get the feeling that someone's watching you. Chances are there is someone watching you. I've never felt this feeling so much as when I'm knitting on the subway and to such a point that I look up and almost always make eye contact with the person looking. It's a little crazy. And every now and then one of them will be brave enough to tap my on the shoulder and ask me what I'm working on. They don't know a thing about me and have never seen me before but because I'm a gal knitting on the subway that must mean I'm safe to chat with. I love it.

The consolation in all of this is that I know I'm not alone. Every now and then I'll see others like me in the same car and one time I even shared a seat with a crocheter. It felt like we had our own designated spot on the train. Sorry folks, hand crafters only on this seat. More proof of this was pointed out to me by way of a friend who found an article about a man who was questioned about his knitting by the police. His blog, madmanknitting, is all about his journey as a man knitter (or as I like to put it, a Mitter) and the cute bears that he makes and sells to get by. His story is pretty inspiring so I encourage you to read a few of his posts.

I'm sure all this public knitting makes me a bit of a granny but i guess thats's okay with me. I love doing it and so far anyone that I interact with seems to enjoy it to. It's made me think about what I can do to share my joy with others. But there will be more on that to come. 

via tumblr

There's something reassuring about seeing a man walking down the sidewalk or riding the subway with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. It reminds me that chivalry may not be dead after all. 

I wonder to myself if those are "I'm sorry" flowers or "Happy Birthday" flowers or "Just Because" flowers. I think about the lady who will get to enjoy seeing those flowers in her living room for the next couple days and the feeling she'll get knowing that someone was thinking of her.

someday.

feeling less

The other night I was on the phone with my mom when I felt the need to tell her how I've been feeling lately.

"I just feel less........less."

And that's all there was. I searched for the word to come after the less but there seemed to be too many to pin one down.

less rested             less happy
less qualified       less talented
less attractive    less social
less young             less bright
less ambitious    less fit

Just a lot of less. And I'm not really sure why. Sure some things have happened in my life lately that weren't very ideal but I felt that I had worked through them. I certainly didn't think they were events that would effect me to a point that I can't figure out how to fix the way I feel. The usual chocolates and happy TV hasn't worked. I've been trying to really make myself enjoy the simple things every day like drinking my morning tea and feeding my fish but the joy of those doesn't really last as long as I need it to lately. I don't expect anyone to come along and "make" me feel better either. I do know one thing and that is that I really don't like this. This isn't me. It feels like I'm wearing 3 winter coats at the same time....it doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable.


Maybe this thing will work itself out on its own. Maybe I need a solid cry. Maybe just writing it down and getting it all out will help it along. I don't know.

In the meantime please excuse my blue-ness.

bleh

The Carol Cowl

A couple months back, while I was working at the knitting shop, I came across this particular yarn and needless to say, it was love. I'm sure any of my fellow knitters/crocheters can understand the mystical draw of a yarn that really speaks to you. It immediately takes over your thoughts as well as your project list and wallet. You have no idea what you'll use it for but you know it has to be yours, before anyone else can discover its glory and get it first. So when I saw this yarn, madelinetosh pashmina worsted in Rain Water, my craft gears were in overdrive. In order to make sure that I was having some kind of head on my shoulders I told myself that I wouldn't buy the yarn until I actually had a project for it (you can imagine the anxiety this gave me as there were only 3 skein left!). I began scouring Ravelry for the perfect project and quickly determined that a cowl would be the best use of this luscious yarn. But which? I searched and searched and just couldn't seem to find the right pattern that would really do my yarn justice. It's one of those things where, when you know, you know. I had an idea of what I wanted in my head but it didn't seem that such a pattern existed. I was feeling defeated. My beautiful yarn needed a soul mate. Then, it dawned on me...


...why don't I just make my own pattern? If I could figure out a way to translate the vision in my head to a pattern that looked similar, my dream cowl could be a reality! The swatching process began. There were needle sizes to gauge and pattern combinations to be tested. The end product was quite the hodge-podge of crazy but man was it helpful to really seeing how things would turn out if I used different techniques. I will never again underestimate the importance of swatching. I now had a clear vision of what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. It was time to cast on.

And cast on I did. I even got a solid 2" into the pattern when I realized that it just wouldn't do. There were already a few too many hiccups along the way and I just couldn't have them tainting my vision for this yarn. Frogging had to be done, and lots of it. And it was in my frogging that I was also able to realize that my original number of cast on stitches just wouldn't be enough either. As much of a pain as frogging can be, it certainly proved educational this time. As did taking notes. So important.
I cast on again, this time with just a tad more focus and determination to not only NOT mess up but also figure out how to correct any mistakes that were made. I would keep it with me to work on while I rode the subway every other day or so and found that I could knit a little more than a row per subway ride. (Let me tell you, there's nothing like knitting on the subway to really make you feel it when people are looking at you) In about a month I had my cowl complete. It was everything I wanted it to be and I couldn't be happier. Now it needed a name. Something feminine and meaningful. It had to be named Carol, after my grandmother. I owe so much of my talent to her and I would have never picked up knitting needles if she hadn't have passed them down to me. So it was only right that this be The Carol Cowl.

I couldn't be happier with it! It's exactly what I wanted and I'm so glad I took the time to play with it and really work it out. Now if only the weather would cool down a tad so I can wear it!

 

 My coworker Sarita was kind enough to help me out by snapping some shots for me the other day as well so shoutout to her!!

I've made this pattern available for a couple bucks on both Ravelry and my Etsy page if you would like to make it too. If you'd rather have me make you one contact me and we'll chat! I loved making so I can't wait to do it again. It's definitely a project that's close to my heart.

it's funny...

:home:  the place in which one's domestic affections are centered

It's funny how when you're living at home (in your parents basement) the only thing you think about is how you will get out into the world again. On your own. Paying your rent. Having your own space. And even when you do finally leave the nest you know this is the best decision you've ever made. Now here's the funny part. It's not until the time you go back to visit home that you realize how much you love it there. The feelings of comfort and familiarity are palpable and you can really breathe.

It's funny when the place you've finally gotten away from is the place you never want to leave again. 

But you know it's only an illusion. You know that you love it this much because you get to leave in a week and return to the new life you're building. You've lived here for years and there wasn't much for you and that hasn't changed since you left. Maybe someday it will, but not yet. So you just sit back and enjoy it. Every minute of it. You see the people you haven't seen in months and catch up on all the goings-ons of the town. You visit your favorite food spots and eat way too much, all the while knowing that you could very well still be here, doing these things. It just wouldn't be the same.

It's better to love this place from a distance. To know that it will always be there when you need it. When I need it. Back in college I didn't appreciate home when I was there or away. My life in Florida was all I wanted to do and I couldn't wait to get back there. Even when I moved back home after college I dreaded it. Not only was I moving back in with my parents but I had already been to college and seen what else was out there for me. It was a rough time. When I moved to the city I still didn't think I would miss it. I was so ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and give it my all. All that changed the minute I stepped foot in my home. It felt like any other night before. Sneaking through the house to get to my bedroom, avoiding the squeaky boards so I didn't wake my parents. It was all so familiar. By the middle of the week I started to forget that I even live in NYC. It was all so normal feeling and for a moment I let myself get caught up in it. I thought "hey, this could still be my life. I could do this", but then a little voice in the back of my head reminded me of why I moved in the first place. As great as Oz was, Dorothy had to go back to Kansas....only in my case Oz is home and Kansas is NYC.

It's funny how two, polar opposite places, can each make you feel complete.

WNY and NYC couldn't be more different from each other. And yet, they each are fulfilling me in great ways. I love the fast pace life in the city. There's always things to do, places to go, sites to see. There's so much history here and I love being a part of it. My apartment is adorable and my jobs are two of the best I've ever had. I really love it. I care less about what people think of me here because Lord knows there is always someone crazier at the party. Home is.....home. It's where my growing years were spent. Where I feel just right wearing a plaid shirt and driving my dads pick up truck around town. Fridays I go out to dinner with my Poppop for fish and Wednesdays are spent playing trivia at Applebees. I can go out with my boys and drink beers and eat wings and know that these guys have known me for longer than I can even remember and when we hug goodbye and say 'I love you' there's not an ounce of subtext. We really love each other and I love that. Home is who I am. The roots of me. 

I'm glad that I've finally come around to loving home(my mother is too). I honestly never imagined that it would happen. Growing up there I was determined to leave and never look back and I never saw myself changing my mind  about that. But I have. I don't know if I'll ever move back there, life can be silly that way, but I do know that I will soak up every moment of it whenever I visit. It's my rechargeable battery. My place to get back in touch with that side of myself.

It's home.

new tunes

A coworker of mine happens to have a very eclectic ear for music which he brings to work with him regularly. Sometimes I can't do anything but scratch my head at the albums he chooses for us all to listen to. Other times I can't seem to get enough of whatever he's got playing. Most recently he's introduced me to Mayer Hawthorne. The first time I heard him I remember asking "Is this Pharrell?" His voice is silky smooth and you can hear the influences of artists like Smokey Robinson and Curtis Mayfield in his music. So obviously, I'm loving it.

This song is from his new EP, Where Does This Door Go. The album has a more modern feel from his older music so I figured I share some of that too!

All his videos are pretty unique as well, which I can appreciate.

Enjoy!

a girl's first sweater

I've been knitting for 3 years now and I can't believe it's taken me this long to be able to say this but...I'm making my first sweater!!!!!! When I got the job at Annie & Company I told my friends for days that I was secretly hoping my boss would tell me that she wanted me to learn how to make a sweater. Come my first day, my boss said that very thing! I couldn't believe my ears. I spent a week scanning through patterns on Ravelry and looking through books in order to find the perfect sweater. It wanted to find a pattern that wouldn't be too far out of my skill level but was still something new that I could be challenged by. One night on Ravelry I found the perfect sweater. It's called Aidez and the minute I saw it I knew it had to be mine. It's so comfy and cozy looking and I even loved the color that it was made in originally. Clearly, this was meant to be. The next (and most important) step was picking the perfect yarn. I knew I wanted something neutral in color and soft to the touch. It only took less then a day and a little guidance to pick The One. I decided on Rowan Cocoon on the color Frost ( which is a natural/tan). This particular yarn in 80% Merino Wool and 20% Kid Mohair which means it's super duper soft and I pretty much love it. I'm so happy with my choice!

I started the sweater as soon as I possibly could. I was so excited! I quickly realized that this sweater was just right for me. It has tons of cables and knits together really quickly so even doing a couple rows makes it seem like I've accomplished a good amount. So far I've finished the back piece and I'm working on one of the front sides. Everything's knit on straight needles so it's done in pieces and sewn together. In order to avoid sleeve seams though I think I'll knit the sleeves on circular needles. I read a lot of the posts from the other people that made this sweater and many of them made the whole thing in the round but I decided early on that I didn't want to take too many chanced by changing the way the pattern is written. Better to air on the safe side for my first sweater. The last thing I want is to get too ahead of myself and go changing things and making mistakes.

So that's my first sweater so far. I really can't wait to have it to wear. It's gonna be great! As I get more done on it, and other projects I'm working on, I'll be sure to post about it here. Working at a knitting store has really lit a fire under my ass as far as crafting is concerned. I missed it a lot and am still sad that my sewing machine didn't get to make the trip (yet) but for now I'm really enjoying all the new opportunities I'm finding through knitting. It feels amazing!

On the bookshelf

Since moving to the city I find myself reading up a storm and really loving it. So it seems only right to share some of my good reads and spread the wealth!

“You have to digest life. You have to chew it up and love it all through.”
-Paula McLain, The Paris Wife 

What a book. Written from the perspective of Hadley Hemingway, the first wife of Ernest Hemingway, and set in the years that they lived in Paris, while the characters, places, and events are true, it's still a fictitious novel. So much of the book is based off of interviews and biographies though that it's hard not to believe it all and be totally immersed. Which I was. The things that this woman went through, all in the name of marriage and love, are so inspiring. She was quite a lady. And if you know anything about Ernest Hemingway, you know how the story ends, but that doesn't keep you from wanting things to go differently. You can't help but root for Hadley and maybe learn a little from her story too. Plus, what girl wouldn't dream of being swept off her feet to live in Paris?? 

"Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience; or give it a more fascinating name: call it hope."
-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

An all time classic. Any Jane Austen is really. Would I say that I liked it more than Pride and Prejudice? No. Nothing trumps P&P for me, but this is definitely worth the time to read. You can't help but fall in love with the men in this book and they're each so different that there's someone for everyone. You'll wish you were growing up in England in the late 1700s....minus the lack of plumbing maybe. Just be prepared from some period language that may be a little hard to interpret. I don't suggest trying to read this on the subway or right before bed. Chances are you won't retain much of it and if you do, props to you! You're a more trained reader than I! It was certainly a book that required a good amount of concentration and focus from me but once I got the rhythm, the storyline will swept me up in romance and kept me invested. It's simply beautiful. 

"All right... I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Somehow I never read this book in school so when I started seeing falling in love with previews for the movie I knew I had to read the book first. And I did. Twice. It's so easy to be engrossed in the love story of Jay and Daisy. You just want them to be together and be happy so badly but, in true Shakespearean fashion, that's not the case. It's also easy to start imagining what your own life would have been like as a socialite living on Long Island in the 1930s. It all seems so fabulous and decadent. I like to think that I was a free-wheeling flapper in a past life. Having a short bob hair cut, wearing plenty of fringe, dancing a mean Charleston, drinking champagne, and staying out until all hours of the morning. Seems like a great time to me! So much of New York City reminds me of this time period and there's something very romantic about it all. This is definitely a book I'll be reading from time to time.   

“The decisions of our past are the architects of our present.”
 -Dan Brown, Inferno

Back in high school my boyfriend read this book called The DiVinci Code. He insisted that I read it too along with another book by the same author called Angels and Demons. Needless to stay, Robert Langdon and his intriguing life are still just as interesting to me as they were all those years ago. And this newest book is no different. Set back in Italy, this book is all based around the epic poem by Dante Alighieri which depicts his journey through hell. Once again, the aspects of this book that are real are captivating enough to keep you invested and maybe even help you brush up on your Italian art history. It definitely re-sparked my desire to visit there someday, or maybe even live there for a period of time. I would just love to see all the places that this book takes place in. There's just so much culture and beauty and pasta.....but I digress. While I was a little unhappy with how this book wrapped things up in the end, it was still worth the time to read. 

“If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.”
-Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

A coworker of mine recommended this book to me after I had read Gatsby and I'm so glad he did. It's a set of memoirs by Ernest Hemingway that focuses on his life in Paris, struggling to become the writer he would one day be. It chronicles his struggles, his loves, and his ever important relationships with other writers that had also settled in Paris at the time. This book is a really great read but I will advise that you don't pick it up right after reading Jane Austen like I did. The language of the one book compared to the other requires a period of time to reset your rhythm. I got a quarter of the way through this book before realizing that I hadn't really read any of it. Once I took some time away from it and started over, it was SO much easier to read and I really enjoyed it. There's something lovely about Hemingway that makes you love him, regardless of his dastardly behavior.  

I don't know if it's this city or what but I'm very much on a 1930s kick it seems. There's just something very appealing about these people, the lives they were living, the characters they created and the history of it all that I just can't get enough of. And the book I'm working on now goes right along with that. So I hope you'll bear with me. If you decide to read any of these books please let me know how you felt about them! I'd love to hear some other opinions. And if you liked them as much as I did, spread the love too. I can't help but feel that word of mouth is a powerful thing for the written word these days. I also encourage you to maybe skip the E-reader. Let's keep actual books alive!