My dearest

I need to get something out. Something that could change us more than anything we've ever been through. And only time will tell if that change will be for the better or worse. And the not knowing of that is enough to eat me alive. Then again, so is this thing inside me. So either way....

I think I'm in love with you.

There it is. In black and white. A real thing. Like the knot in my stomach and the quiver in my fingertips. Tangible. Words I haven't used in regards to anyone for many, many years. Words that I don't throw around frivolously. Words that I know won't get me much in return.   

Because right now our timelines don't match up. They never really have. Since we met I always had this underlying feeling that we hadn't been through enough life yet....we hadn't marinated enough to be who we needed to be for each other in that way.

You were ready for it at first. I was your type then. You said things and did things that made that more than evident to me. But I wasn't ready for that version of you in that way. Yet somehow over time, in our marinating, I seasoned out of being your type and you turned into mine. And now I want to say things and make that more than evident. But you're not ready for this version of me in this way. Funny how life works.

So now I find myself trying to get over you. You who I've never even been in a relationship with. I have to find a way to be okay with not knowing what the future holds; with not knowing whether our timelines are even meant to line up. I have to have faith that if it's meant to be, it will be, while not totally closing myself off to anyone else, like it would be so so easy to do.

Because I can't make you love me. I can't try to change every little thing about myself to fit your type again. I'm a different person now and if you aren't in love this version, then that's that. And that's something I'll have to be okay with. Because you mean too much to me to be otherwise.  

And maybe in five minutes I'll look back on this and regret every word or maybe in 50 years we'll laugh about the time I confessed my love in a blog post. Either way, it's out. No longer eating away at me. No longer just a thought that I've been rolling around in my head for months. And I'm glad for that.

Love, Me

a wedding ring

While working at the hotel yesterday I was standing at the front desk when a woman came over and stood near me. For some reason I glanced down at her finger and noticed her wedding ring. A simple gold band. No diamonds, no platinum, no "rock". It made me think about how people think about the symbol of a wedding ring these days.

Now, this obviously doesn't apply to all married/engaged couples, and it's strictly my opinion, but I can't help but feel like there is a correlation between the ring to long lasting marraige ratio that has changed from years past. So often I notice that the marriages that have lasted the longest don't carry the biggest rings. When people were getting engaged in those days it didn't matter so much about how many carats a ring was. The important thing was the commitment that the ring represented. Now a days I feel like most women are disappointed if their ring isn't visible from the moon...like the person giving it to them doesn't love them enough. And beyond that, if it's not something that their friends will oooh and aaah over then it's not worthy of their finger.

When did carats become a measurement of love?

And like I said, I know this doesn't pertain to a lot of people. I have a handful of friends who have really great committed marriages that come with big rocks too. If you have the means, by all means! I guess I just see too often that other people who are more concerned about how big their ring is, usually don't have marriages that last.

So as I looked at that simple gold band on the woman's finger, I decided, if and when I get engaged, I know it will be for the man, not for the ring. While it's a wonderful symbol of love and commitment, it doesn't make up for love and commitment if it's not already a part of a relationship.

love. love. love.

Being a single lady, I've decided that Valentine's Day(tomorrow!! February is moving at a rapid pace!) needs to be more than a day to remind me of my single status. What exactly is the point of wallowing in bitterness over the fact that I haven't met anyone special enough to change my facebook status for yet? Pointless indeed. So instead of hating Valentine's Day I'm choosing to take a little love and make a little love.

First, I read this blog this morning and couldn't help but feel inspired and warm inside. I feel like more people should be finding ways to love themselves...and not just in the ways of shopping or eating their favorite junk foods. I fell like loving yourself can have a lot to do with slowing down and enjoying the little things...finding the things that really fulfill you in a way that nothing else can. And not feeling guilty or selfish for it. I think all too often people are so busy attending to everyone else's needs and wants that they don't take the time for themselves that they need to. One of the most important lessons I learned in college was to "take care of you".

If you don't love yourself, how will anyone else love you too?

Secondly, I feel like everyone needs to feel a little love, even if it's from a total stranger. And what better way than in a love letter?? For the last month or so I've been hearing about this organization called The World Needs More Love Letters through my friend Francie and The Violet. Long story short, you can sign up to become a writer of love letters or request a love letter for yourself or someone you know who needs one. If you want to write them, each month the site will send you the info for someone who needs one. You write the letter, send it to the organization, and they send it with others to the recipient. So for the cost of a stamp you can send your love to someone who truly needs it, in one of the most personal ways possible. The whole concept really tugs at my heart strings so I subscribed today and can't wait to be a part of it! And I encourage you to do the same.

So, whether you're single or not, I challenge you to spread a little love, not only tomorrow but on a daily basis!

Because, in the words on Sir Paul McCartney, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

a Texas wedding

What a weekend. Phew. Thursday I got on a plane and headed south, to Dallas, Texas. Why Dallas you say? Well let me tell you...

Back in December 2010, my friend Justin (aka Bama, aka Booger, aka Southern Comfort) came to visit me all the way from Alabama! It was a glorious visit and we knew we couldn't let too much time go by before we got together again. A few months ago he and I were talking randomly about me wanting to take some kind of vacation and the possibilities of that being to Alabama for a visit. Out of the blue Justin said "hey, why don't you be my date to my brother's wedding in January"? It took me all of 3 seconds to decide and say "Let's do it"! A few weeks and a plane ride later and I was in Dallas ready for a great weekend.

I don't think the word 'great' can really begin to do it justice though. Not only was it so fulfilling to spend time with Justin, but his family is one of the warmest I've ever had to pleasure of knowing. There are those families who you know love each other but it's more of an unspoken, not overly expressed type of love. Well Justin's family is NOT that type of family. Just being in the same room with this group you can feel the love and pure joy that they share by being together. It was incredible and mildly addictive. And the best part? You don't even have to be related to get in on it. They are so welcoming of everyone, I felt like I've been a part of them for years.

And the wedding itself, so beautiful and perfect. I've seen plenty of weddings from working at the hotel and none of them have compared to this one. The bride was gorgeous, the flowers beautiful, and the reception was detailed to the T. But more important than all of that was the couple themselves. I've never seen two people more in love and truly prefect for each other. It was really awesome to be a part of and I felt so so honored to be there. If I ever find a man that looks at me the way the groom looked at his bride, it'll be a done deal.

Justin was a phenomenal best man. I've know him for going on 6 years now and I've been able to sit back and watch this person grow and change and become a truly great version of himself and this weekend only solidified that. He was absolutely in his element and it was awesome to watch. Between his best man speech, that almost had me in tears, and his overall sense of responsibility over getting people organized and ready, he was truly a force to be reckoned with. It was an astounding thing to see. I'm truly blessed to have him in my life and as one of my dearest friends.

To add to all this fun I was also able to spend some time with my own family! My aunt and uncle have lived in Dallas for about 30 years now so we don't get to see each other as often as my other relatives. Obviously I wasn't going to go all the way to Texas without spending time with them as well. They were a huge help to getting me around to and from the airport as well. How fortunate I am. Thursday night my uncle and I went out for pizza and beers. It was great. We talked about all sorts of things and he bestowed much Uncle-ly advise on me. Then on Sunday he picked me up from the hotel and I spent the day at their house just lounging, watching football, and drinking wine. It was glorious.

How did I get so blessed?? Before this month I hadn't taken a vacation in 2 years and I've already taken 2 in 2012!! Both were equally crazy and restoring all at the same time. I really needed a break and to get away for a bit. And now, being back home, I feel so rejuvenated and ready to get back to a normal schedule and work. I can't wait to get back into the gym regularly and watch my Tuesday night shows with my besties and go to Wednesday night trivia and make some regular paychecks!

SO, a huge THANK YOU to my Southern Comfort and his entire family!! You're cheaper fun than the alcohol and there's no hangover either! I love you to death and I can't wait until we are reunited again. And congrats to the happy couple!! I only dream of someday having the same love that you two share.

Hooray to vacation and hooray to returning to a normal schedule.

someday.

someday.

too true

They won't see, you're more than the shy girl. (clipped to polyvore.com)
I think this describes me all too well. Sure there are guys that like me and some even more than like. But not head-over-heals in love.

And I don't know if it's the guys or me or a combination of both. I just know that more often than not they start out liking me and then change their minds somewhere along the way. Almost as if they had been sleeping for the first 3 months and didn't realize that they didn't actually like me.

It's like a switch. And somehow I can always tell the very moment it happens. Maybe that's better for me though. I can see it coming.

Regardless, I think I'm ready for this to not be the case anymore.

a mother's love

I didn't have time to watch the Casey Anthony trial and I only heard bits and pieces about it so I will not use this post to give my opinion on the subject. I will however, bring up the feelings that it had stirred up in me. Feelings of questioning and astonishment.

melts my heart

Whether she did it or not, this Casey Anthony thing makes me think about all the mothers (and fathers for that matter) who physically harm their own children. It baffles me that anyone could bring something so pure and innocent into the world, only to turn around and take them out again. Mothers especially, having carried that child for 9 months. I look at the kids I nanny, kids I'm not even related to, and I couldn't imagine doing something so cruel to them. Every hug, sloppy kiss, picked flower, and hand held makes my heart warm. Of course there are those moments of frustration when a mess is made or a fight occurs, but anything more than a smack on the butt or a time out seems ridiculous. How could any mother not care about the child they brought into the world? 

If you aren't ready for the responsibility of having a child, then don't have one. Seems pretty simple, yes? What's the point in having kids if you aren't going to be willing to nurture and raise said child? Kids aren't accessories that you can just throw out when your sick of having them. And it sickens me to see people treat them that way. I'm so thankful to have parents who love me, even if they don't always know how to show it (i.e. my dad, but that's a WHOLE other post). Sure they spanked me when I deserved it but a line was never crossed and I would never ever accuse my parents of beating me. I didn't have a lot growing up but I certainly had love. And it saddens me greatly to think that there are kids out there who grow up without it.

And that's how I feel about that.

To: My Someday Family Man

I guess I should take some time to tell you that it's absolutely imperative that you get along with my family. I'm referring to my immediately family mostly. I need you to love them as if they were your own.

Why you ask? Because they're what I've got. Because they are me. Because you love me.

Especially my sister. You must get along with her the best. Because if you don't she'll never really know what it's like to have a brother. And I can't stand the thought of you both disliking each other during holidays and family get-togethers.

So you see, I'm a package deal. But not to worry, it's a great bundle, full of love and caring.

Ever Yours,

Sarah

To: My Medicine Man

I'm scarred.

My scars make me who I am. I wear some with pride and others with pain. 

I hope you can handle them because I will need you to. 

I will need you to come along and make me forget that I have them and more importantly, who inflicted them. 

It's a pretty high prescription to fill but I have faith that you'll be able to handle it.

Just be sure that you don't scar me too much as well. I know that scratches and bruises will happen but I don't know how many scars I will be able to take from you...stubborn as I am.

So be ready. Be ready with everything you've got.

Because Lord knows how many more scars I will acquire between now and the time we meet. (Hopefully few)

Love eternally,

Your Best Patient

the ex-box

For almost a year now, most of my belongings have been packed away in boxes due to things that were out of my control (but you don't have all day for THAT story!). Recently I decided to go through said boxes and make an assessment of things that I want to keep and things that could get thrown out. My mother was obviously thrilled since these boxes were keeping her from using her mud room closet.
As I sifted through the boxes and looked through the things I have collected in my lifetime thus far, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the things I found; things that at one point I didn't think I could live without or thT held some sentimental place in my heart. However there was one item that had a strange effect on me. I knew what it was the minute I saw it. My ex-box.
Most girls will know what I'm talking about. It's the box. The box that holds every little trinket or memento from a broken relationship. I knew this box well. It was the oldest and most full one I have (yes, there are two). This box was from high school; from the longest relationship I've been in; from the only relationship I've said "I love you in". It's been almost six years since that relationship ended. I hold no attachments to it other than this box. I look back on it with fondness and no ounce of hard feelings. So of course I opened the box, curious to see what I had kept all these years.
There were the usual things: pictures, small gifts, cards; those things that were so important to me so many years ago. I began reading some of the cards, still out of curiosity. Many of them were pretty straightforward:

Sarah,

Hallmark words

Hallmark words

Hallmark words

Love, ****

However, two of them were not so simple. Two of them were apology cards. They were heartfelt and thought through. Specific words were chosen to get the apology across. Words like "I'm so sorry" and "You were right", which any girl obviously likes to read! Then there were other words. Again, words that any girl, including this one at the time, would love to read. Words like "I love you so much" and "You are my heart". This last one really got me. You are my heart. When I read it I immediately became uncomfortable; almost awkward in my own skin. It's hard to describe really. It's almost as though I've forgotten what it's like to be loved and cared for that much. From a guy that is. Sure I've had relationships since this one; some great, some not so great. Each of them unique and yet similar in the fact that none of them have reached that same place. A few had the potential to but for whatever reason, be it timing or the guy or what have you, never went to a place of "I love you" or even a year's span. I'm not bitter or depressed about this. What's happened has happened and I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. 

I guess the moral of the story is that I didn't expect to feel so uncomfortable when I read those cards. It seems so long ago. Those words are foreign to me now. Or maybe it's not so much the words as it is the feelings that went with them. {epiphany} It's been six years since I've dove in and really been immersed in someone and vice versa. Six years. Maybe it's been me, maybe it's been the guys. I don't really know. I do know that I want it again someday. A recent "almost" relationship proved to me that I'm capable of beginning to feel that way, or at least being open to it. While this "almost" relationship didn't turn into an actual relationship, I found myself opening up in ways that I hadn't in a very long time.

So I know I'm capable. I know it's out there, somewhere. And right now, knowing is enough for me.

girl put your records on...

a perfect day...

 I want a record player


There's just something about listening to records that seems to vintage and lovely

 Growing up we had a huge old record player and my grandparents record collection...














...I would listen to all of them in one sitting; in love with the way they sounded and watching the needle work it's way to the center.

can this PLEASE be me??

the good ol' days

Records are so simple and pure.




From a time when life was simple and innocent...




...a time when boys courted girls and mothers wore pearls.

why shouldn't this be me someday??

I think it's time I look to make this happen.


I feel warm and happy just imagining it. 


And shouldn't everyone strive to feel warm and happy?

To: My Forever Valentine

Just to let you know, there isn't too much pressure on the old Valentine's Day. I would much rather feel your love everyday than one day a year. Sure getting me something sweet and thoughtful is nice, but I will never scorn you for just saying "I Love You" and meaning it. That's the best gift you could ever get me. And FYI, I will most likely get you something because, well, I will just like getting you things!   Happy Valentine's Day

Your Forever Valentine,

Sarah

my favorite things

some of my fave things on this Day of Valentine's:

• Having Peace Sign in town
• Meeting new people
• Valentine's from those I love
• 41 degree weather
• LOVE!

Love Bomb

I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now. It's by N.E.R.D. from their album Seeing Sounds. The whole album is great and I highly suggest it if you like their music. There's something about the imagery of a love bomb that I enjoy very much. I think I would much rather be bombed with love over anything else. On the same token I'd rather bomb others with love than with, say, body odor or curse words or judgment.

"Don't need another love song, we need a love bomb"